Lilith

There once was a young Southern man who was raised in a pious home. The young man dressed modestly and had every crooked tooth straightened. Every Sunday, he spent sixty minutes in a wooden pew, his chin redemptively tucked. 

Not a single member of his brethren suspected that the young man wanted more than anything to lose his virginity to the devil. Every night, once the household stilled, he ripped back his bedsheets and exposed himself to the night air, waiting for the devil to pounce. But the young man waited in vain, and his penis became soft and cold. Sobbing into his pillow, he’d collapse into a fitful, disappointing sleep.

In the young man’s dreams, powerful urges came to life. A sex-crazed, dark-haired woman with giant buttocks, each cheek like a halved watermelon and breasts as big as truck tires would straddle him, pinning his arms to the bed with unimaginable strength, her head spinning like a top. When he couldn’t take it anymore - not a single second more - she’d release his arms and he’d grab frantically for the horns protruding from her mane, climaxing into swirling darkness. 

The young man would wake in the morning in a state of elation, but the moment he realized the sweat on his pillow was his alone, he’d plunge from grace. Shuffling to the shower, he’d weep with despair and watch his seed swirl down the drain.

Years later, the man went to college and lost his virginity to an exuberant feminist with orange eyes.  The feminist’s sex drive was insatiable. They found pleasure in each other nightly, and she smothered his face with the dark hair that grew all over her body. When he was ready to come, the young man lifted his head from the pillow, peering into the twin embers of her eyes, his mouth as round as a pie tin. “Food of hellfire!” he’d howl, “I’m avenged!”

“Yes!” she’d yelp, squeezing his nipples with vigor.

They remained lifelong partners but never married or had children. When she died, the man buried her ashes near a golden forsythia. A day after her burial, the bush spontaneously ignited but never burned.