Just A Nice Lady Enjoying the Beach

Stretch of sand.

Unforgiving sun.

Walk around freely.

In your bra and undies.

Basically.

Time to relax.

In this very loud, public place.

Feel that endless gaze?

Assessing your worth?

Swimsuits aren’t for swimming.

A tiny wave can remove a top.

Shake your hair out.

Let loose.

Bikini bottoms are made to be too small.

Don’t pick your wedgie.

Run to the water. 

Sprint toward it with joy.

Feel your ass quiver as you run.

Butts are where fat is stored.

It shouldn’t look that way.

It should be smooth.

Like a bicep.

Tight and round.

It should lift as if it wants to take flight.

Like it wants to crawl up your back.

Men are looking at it.

Women are looking at it.

While they watch men look at it.

Men feel watched.

Don’t make them upset.

The men.

Or the women.

They’re at the beach!

Don’t ruin anyone’s day.

With your body.

You’re 64?

Why don’t you look 16?

You’re fat?

Better strut.

Or get eaten alive.

Wear bright colors.

A neon green sarong.

Confidence is hot.

Big juicy butts are sexy.

It might be too much.

Men will decide.

The ocean is freezing. 

The water feels like winter.

Nipples poke out.

Sexy. 

Obscene. 

Jesus.

There are children here!

Go back to your towel.

Freshly shaved legs love that salt.

Lay down.

Just chill.

Wet legs attract sand.

Brush it off.

Exfoliate raw meat.

Flip over now.

Uneven tans are for farmers.

Tan the backs of your thighs.

If you don’t you’ll look dumb.

You can’t be healthy without Vitamin D.

It has to come from the sun.

Not a pill.

Don’t get skin cancer. 

Excess sun causes wrinkles.

Sunscreen is necessary.

Sunscreen is overkill.

Are you hydrated?

Dehydration wrinkles skin.

Beer?

White Claw? 

Monster?

We’re out of water.

A seagull is harassing a child.

The seagull steals a potato chip from the child.

Right out of his hands.

The child is shrieking.

Wait, is he bleeding?

The mom can’t stop laughing.

She is taking pictures of the shrieking child.

A seagull shits on someone’s cooler.

OMG. Used condom.

Full of seamen. Heh.

Heh. Heh.

What?

A Great White was spotted a mile off the coast.

You cannot see your feet in the water.

Too much seaweed.

Come back in!

Further! 

The ocean smells funny. 

Something is rotting. 

Your lips are blue.

Let’s get out.

Here’s a sandwich. 

There’s sand in it.

Let’s go for a walk.

The ground collapses.

It’s good for your knees.

Those small, stabilizing muscles.

So important.

What’s that over there? 

Wtf, is that a tampon?

Who does that?

There is no public restroom.

Public restroom is $3 to use.

Cash only.

We should climb those rocks.

The ones slick with seaweed.

In flip flops.

This tide pool is full of orange foam.

Beautiful.

Your lips are burning, hon.

What is that transparent gob?

It looks like a booger.

Don’t touch it.

Might sting you.

Even if it’s dead.

Oh, yeah, sand fleas.

Itch cream fell out of my bag.

Last summer.

I have some aloe.

There’s no actual aloe in it.

Look at the ingredients.

Crazy, right?

Let’s go back. 

Here’s some fruit.

Covered in sand.

Is that woman blasting Celine Dion?

That is not beach music.

That man is scowling.

He asked her to turn it down.

She turned it up.

Dizziness is Vitamin D flooding the system.

You’ll be fine.

You’re thirsty?

White Claw?

It’s basically seltzer.

Chill.

OMG, look.

His and her MAGA hats.

That’s actually kinda sweet.

Makes me think, though.

That article.

“Top 5 Things to Know Before Taking Your Firearm to the Beach”

Look!

A banana hammock!

No way! 

Hero.

Oh dear.

That child is pissing in the sand.

Right next to the sleeping woman.

Dang, she’s lobster red.

That’s gonna hurt.

Weird to think the sun can poison you.

Skimboarder just bit it.

He’s laughing but he seems hurt.

Selfie?

How about 500?

Don’t get me wrong.

I love the beach.

Restorative.