Local, Organic, Artisanal White People
~ This is the way of all things ~
Penis Feather: With a decade of experience under his big leather belt, and using only two primitive tools - organic hands and jojoba oil - you can relax into Penis Feather’s unchecked and entitled exploration of the issues you’ve stored in your tissues. Euphoria, like bewilderment. 5D. Trauma-uninformed care.
Soul Jelly: Soul Jelly’s ability to predict the future and read the past is unmatched. Past life regression proves she was related to Nostradamus. Suspicious of mainstream media; encourages her clients to do their own research. On YouTube. Works exclusively from her home office. Does not work with those with allergies to cats, as her house is overrun with them. Consent form must be signed in blood or faeces.
Guru Shiitake: An exclusive, 2-hour individualized energetic treatment at a price tag that proves its worth. Includes alarming nutritional advice and endless bootstrap stories of his personal recovery from a self-limiting childhood illness. 62 years old, has four children under the age of six, and has been to India multiple times to guide spiritual retreats with groups of all-female acolytes. Works arms but not legs at the gym. Uses a flip phone. Anti-woke wokeness. Masters are made, not born.
Candy Bum: A shimmering team of lashed, glowy, 20-somethings that pamper clients with citrus peels, eyebrow lamination, and yoni steams after malign energy has been exorcized using sonic echolocation emitted from a crystal double-helixed EQ2 handheld wand that can also improve cellulite. Client leave their the Candy Bum sanctuary with dripping root chakras and a chemical burns, profoundly broke. Please note: If you’re vaxx’d, please refrain from scheduling here - staff are female, fertile, and they’d like to stay that way. Legumes not allowed on the premise.
Sxx8: Synergy, fasting, and travel come together in this healing space of connection and manifestation. Beachfront retreats offered to those who complete the Five Levels of Consciousness & Relentless Recruitment, and whom the cult leader considers most pleasing to look at. Please know it’s okay to crave authority - we all do! Ascend with us. Break free from the scourge of feminist thought. We know your worth. Do you?
Shiva Laura Smith: Welcome, Goddesses! Offers private sessions in which she arhythmically hits a ceremonial drum and identifies animal guides. Entryway has a framed picture of her at a traditional Fijian kava ceremony; unclear whether she was invited. Has been fined twice for breaking the eagle feather law, which she thinks is silly. Occasionally wears a bindi that makes her blue eyes pop. Entirely ignorant of the appropriative underpinnings of every aspect of her practice, but loud and rich and free of boundaries, so loads of fun. Clientele mostly exhausted moms looking to escape their kids. Roommate from freshman year in college had brown skin - doesn’t see color. Idolizes Gwyneth Paltrow, the moon, and scented candles.
KimQi: Pays staff poorly and provides a needed service to a working class community. An absolute nidus of misinformation as well as a savvy entrepreneur who is just asking questions. When challenged, claims she feels unsafe. Sniffs out and targets vulnerable clientele who are lonely and desperate for connection, convincing them to join her in peddling garbage supplements. Profits from sales flow to the top of a pyramid, where KimQi sits in lotus, manifesting wealth. Addicted to colonics.
Mamasaurus: Blogger. Believes that boys will be boys, and those boys can be grain-free and vulnerable to polio. Paleo muffin gatekeeper, advocate of a firm gender binary, and assiduous monetizer of social media presence, all while managing a 3,000 square foot farmhouse and 4 acres of land on her own because her ex is a goddamn bonobo who couldn’t keep his blessed rod of life behind his hemp boxers. Riddled with unspoken resentments because positivity is power. Successful Amazon affiliate; biggest seller a proprietary blend of flower essences for unblocking the throat chakra. Hypertensive, but only when exposed to public radio.
Reinhardt Weinerschlapp, PhD: Boomer. Obsessed with iridology, as well as the collapse of the nuclear family, which he attributes to women wearing shoes. Has written three published essays on the madness of inoculation. Sessions with Weinerschlapp are limited to Monday mornings, as he is busy working on his first book, How Science Destroyed Medicine. Thirty minutes healing sessions are $500. Payments must be made a month in advance - his time is valuable - and will not be reimbursed no matter the circumstances, including sudden death. Recommended nutraceuticals are filled with sawdust, white-labeled, and marked up 400 percent. Staunchly opposed to prescription medicine, though if homeopathy fails to clear modern miasms such as the insistence that variables such as race, sex, and class can negatively affect health outcomes, will consider a two-week course of molly, which he procures from his very hot niece. Budding day trader with loads of capital to play around with. Blood boy in Finland.